Author: Loren Tres
Title: You Might Could Be a Perv If
Part: 1 of 1
Summary: A list written in Jeff Foxworthy style, with apologies
Keywords: Mf+, preg, inc, humor
email: loren@lorentres.com

Copyright 2010 by Loren Tres, all rights reserved.  Do not copy, edit, republish, etc.
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You Might Could Be a Perv If
Loren Tres


For men:
   You think purview means hidden cameras 
   Your penis and your right hand have matching calluses
   Your mother, your aunt, your two sisters, and your dog are all pregnant, 
    and none of them has a boyfriend
   Your wife must be frigid, because she tells you, "Five times a day is too 
    much."
   You learned to masturbate before you learned to walk
   You're number one on Planned Parenthood's list of horror stories
   Your little sister already has three kids, but shes too young to date
   Your daughter already has three kids, but shes too young to date
   Your mortgage, your wife, your mistress, and both your daughters are all 
    late
   You read Don Juan and wondered why he's so undersexed
   Your girlfriend takes you to a swingers party so she can get a rest
   When you show up at a swingers party with the most beautiful girl in the 
    world, all the women light up, and all the men are disappointed
   You are the respondent in at least three paternity suits
   You are the respondent in at least two paternity suits, each involving a 
    relative
   Your sister wont invite you to her house anymore, because she doesn't want 
    all your daughters to get pregnant
   You date the town nymphomaniac, and she gives out before you do
   You can cum three times in a girl without pulling out
   You have to masturbate after your wear out your girlfriend
   You had sex with two girls and you STILL need to masturbate
   Your three daughters are also your granddaughters; and they're all pregnant 
    too
   Having just gotten laid twice, you go back to the bar, hoping to get lucky 
    again
   You have sex with three women in one night, and they wear out before you do
   You've got three wives, and you are looking for a fourth
   Going without sex for more than four hours hurts
   Your little sister complains that you want too much sex, and she's the 
    third one that night
   All the pimps in town know you on a first-name basis
   You had to retire from being a pimp, because you used up all the 
    merchandise
   Your little sister is pregnant for the third time; only you and she knows 
    who the father is
   The local gynecologists send you thank-you cards
   Masters and Johnson ask if they can dedicate their next book to you
   You have no girlfriend and you can curl 375 pounds with your right arm
   The doctor tells you that those aren't venereal-sores, theyre just wear 
    spots
   You got fired as a sheepherder because none of the ewes had lambs
   Three of your girlfriends claim you knocked them all up on the same night; 
    and it might actually be true
   Having no further use for them, your mom, your sisters, and your daughters 
    all gave their underwear to charity
   You're the male lead in a porno, and the producer fires all the fluffers 
    because he doesnt need them anymore
   You are hired as a mattress tester, because you can wear one out faster 
    than the machine can
   Your wife WANTS you to fuck her sister, mother, and your three daughters, 
    so she can get a few days rest
   You run the local sperm-bank, but don't need any donors
   You can't remember all the girls you had sex with yesterday
   The nurses in the hospital maternity room have your home telephone number 
    memorized
   You buy a diaper service company because it's cheaper than buying 
    disposables
   Your wife, your secretary, your girlfriend, your mistress, and your six 
    daughters are all happy to get a rest when you go on a business trip
   After boning your two sisters, your mother, your aunt, and your girlfriend 
    twice, you still have to jack off before bedtime, so you won't have a wet-
    dream
   You are surprised to learn that most boys don't sleep with their sisters  
    after you've fathered two children on each of them
   You are surprised to learn that most girls don't get pregnant until their 
    twenties; after all, your sisters all had three before they finished high 
    school
   Your sister sets you up for three dates in one night, because she knows you 
    can handle it
   You marry a prostitute, and she divorces you six weeks later to go back to 
    the brothel so she doesn't have to work so hard 
   You marry a nymphomaniac; then start looking for a mistress
   You've got three older sisters and six kids - and none of you are old 
    enough to date yet
   Your seventh grandchild is on her way, and you're taking everyone out to 
    celebrate your thirtieth birthday
   You've got five daughters; but your wife couldn't have any more children 
    after your first daughter was born
   Your two daughters, five grand daughters, and eleven great-grand daughters 
    all call each other 'sis'  and mean it
   Your sisters, brothers, all their kids, and the grandkids all call you 
    'daddy'  and mean it
   Your mother got divorced right after you were born and hasn't been out on a 
    date since, but you have five younger brothers and sisters
   Your father rents you a hooker so he can get some from his wife
   Your father sends you to Boy Scout camp so he can get some from his wife
   You've got two aunts, an uncle, and seven cousins who all call you daddy  
    and mean it
   Your wife pleads with you to hire a sexy new secretary  or two
   You hire your third secretary, and still nobody gets any work done
   Your wife hires two live-in maids because she wants to get at least a few 
    hours sleep at night
   Your wife hires three live-in maids because the last two left to join a 
    convent
   Your father hires three live-in maids and moves them into your bedroom, so 
    your mother and sisters can get some sleep
   You fathered at least three children before you were old enough to shave
   The World Court sues you to set an example because they believe you are a 
    major cause of overpopulation

For Women:
   Mom complains that Dad is losing his sex-drive, and you agree.  He could 
    only bone you three times last night, so you had to get your brothers to 
    help
   All the other girls are disappointed when you show up for the orgy
   Your boyfriend asks his brother, father, and uncle to help out, because he 
    just can't keep up, and you wonder if maybe he should invite his cousins 
    too
   You wonder if maybe you should get another boyfriend, because your father 
    and three brothers just cant keep up
   Your sister keeps complaining that you steal all her boyfriends, and you 
    wonder what's bothering her about that
   You know more about sex than either of your parents; and you're only nine
   You have three boyfriends, and you need to add another
   You can't understand how some girls get by with just one husband
   You have more than twelve children
   Your brother groans, and pleads, "Cant you sleep with Daddy tonight?"
   You're a 25-year-old woman and haven't had a period in thirteen years
   Your husband takes you to a swingers party and tells you he'll pick you up 
    tomorrow
   You think the person who wrote "Cheaper by the Dozen" was a piker
   You like to swallow; but you think it's a waste
   All the hookers leave the bar when you show up
   You go to the pound to find a dog, and choose the one that humps your leg
   Youre sitting in court and hear a case where the wife is divorcing the 
    husband because he wants sex at least five times a day, and you think, 
    "That's all?"
   Your idea of getting "dressed up" does not involve more than four ounces of 
    clothing
   You're on a first name basis with everyone at the free clinic
   Your parents wonder how you keep five boyfriends happy at the same time
   Your boyfriend is already wearing out, and you've only been dating for a 
    week
   The dictionary shows your picture in the definition for nymphomaniac
   Your favorite date involves three men and a dog, but no dinner or movie
   Your four sisters and two brothers are also your children
   Your brothers lock their doors at night because they need to sleep
   You proposition the guy with the ten-incher who just bought a penis-
    enlarger
   You walk through dark alleys on the way home, hoping to get raped
   You never have to pay for your hotel rooms
   You're the mistress of three men at once; they all know it, and nobody is 
    complaining
   Your personalized license plate says "IMA SLUT"
   You volunteer to work at the brothel for free
   The local pimp moves his stable to the other side of town
   You think being the only girl at a sex party with thirty men is normal
   You make breakfast for at least three men every morning
   You think cum is one of the primary food-groups
   To you, being called a slut is a high compliment, and you understand its 
    meaning
   You want to be a prostitute when you grow up
   Your high school counselor recommends prostitute as a career choice
   You think gang-bangs are the normal way to have sex
   You like to fake being drunk, so all the boys will take advantage of you
   You schedule your dates by the hour, not the day
   The local hookers are petitioning to make soliciting sex for free illegal
   You think having three men in bed with you at once is normal
   Your parents bought you a computer, so you can schedule your dates
   You started having sex at seven; but you wish you had started earlier
   You can't understand how some people get by on sex only three times a day
   You're delighted to hear that your new job includes sleeping with the 
    buyers
   Your brothers have all stopped going out on dates, because they don't need 
    to anymore
   Your parents gave up, and installed an outside door in your bedroom
   The neighbors dog humps your leg, so you invite him into your bedroom
   You're the main entertainment at the orgy
   Your highest ambition in life is to be a porn star
   You can't believe the girls at the whorehouse actually get paid
   Business at the brothel triples when you come down with the flu
   The local madam has your number for emergencies
   Mom put you on the pill when you were nine
   All the fuss about teenage sex puzzles you Why don't they get to do it 
    too, just like all the younger kids do?
   You dated half the high school football team  at the same time
   You're pregnant, you weren't drunk when it happened; but you still have 
    no clue who the father is
   Your three brothers are too worn out, so you have to ask your father to 
    help
   The local Roman Catholic Church dedicates a confessional in your honor
   When you come home from school, your dog whimpers, covers his balls with 
    his tail, and hides in the garden
   Your job title is sexretary; and it's not misspelled
   You knew the taste of cum before you knew the taste of soda
   You wear a miniskirt and no panties during your nightly walk through 
    Central Park
   Your brothers no longer bother to date
   The kids at school call you a slut, and you're proud of it
   You were voted girl most likely to by your senior class
   You catch your brother selling tickets to your bedroom, and you insist on 
    fifty percent
   Your pimp can't supply enough customers
   You can't remember all the people who had sex with you this morning
   You had your first baby at eleven
   Your boyfriend calls you tramp, ho, and slut, so you kiss him for being so 
    nice
   You've got three older brothers, and none of them have ever bothered 
    finding dates
   Youre eight years old when you notice the generations in your family seem 
    to be about twelve years apart.  You hope to carry on the family tradition
   You stay home from school, and your mother gets worried calls from the 
    principal, three teachers, the football coach, the baseball coach, the milk 
    man, and your mother's three ex-husbands  all before lunch
   Your husbands company puts you on the books as a corporate asset, and then 
    takes out insurance
   Your husband's co-workers list your house as their favorite vacation spot
   A nearby naval base starts up a shuttle service to and from your house.  A 
    nearby convention center starts up a shuttle service to and from your 
    house.  A nearby university starts up a shuttle service to and from your 
    house.  The naval base, convention center, and university don't have to 
    coordinate their shuttle schedules
   The school system calls you for sex education demonstrations
   Your husband sends you on a vacation to the French Riviera, alone, and 
    replaces your packed swimsuits and underwear with a gross of condoms

Protection:
   Your condom bill is bigger than your phone bill
   You buy KY by the case
   You turn ribbed condoms inside out because it feels better for YOU
   They finally name a brand of condom in your honor
   The condom manufacturer's stock dropped twenty points when you switched 
    brands
   Your father, brothers, and uncles all know the condom wholesalers number 
    by heart
   You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom and net enough the 
    first year to buy a new car
   You install a coin-op condom dispenser in your bedroom, and the vendor 
    refills it daily
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